Bish

Quickie update

2005-10-17T05:46:08Z

Hi.
Cincinnati.
Peds Hematology/Oncology.
Very very busy.
On call q4 (every 4th night).
Sleeping little.
Eating lots of Skyline.
Crosswords with Poppaw.
Beer tasting parties with old friends.
Bengals. Fuck yeah.
Reds. Fuck no.
Crash - Good movie.
Franz Ferdinand - fun concert.
Pete Rose - still an asshole.
Nice people, good family town.
Strangely similar to Little Rock.
Has it been 7 weeks already?
Be home soon.

Now the real battle begins.

2005-09-04T05:32:57Z

Chief Justice William Rehnquist died tonight.
Rest in peace. Like him or loathe him, he was a pretty stout individual.

Now it's time to see what cards the Bush administration has been holding in anticipation. We now have a Supreme Court short two members and a Chief Justice appointment to fill. I sincerely hope someone can convince Bush to view this situation in regards of matters which the court SHOULD pursue, rather than hot button topics of morality and ethics. I don't usually agree with Justice Antonin Scalia on many things, but I think he's absolutely right that judges who aren't even elected by the general population shouldn't be making those kinds of decisions. Oh, but wait, Bush has a mandate now, so he should do whatever he feels like and ignore the wishes of the other 49% of his constituency. And you know he's been waiting for this moment like a kid outside Best Buy on the morning the newest Grand Theft Auto comes out. I wonder if he even realizes that the effects of these decisions will echo 15, 20, even thirty years, especially when he can't even envision contingency plans for his own unwarranted invasions of other countries.

I fear the consequences of leaving two lifetime appointments in the hands of such an incompetent MORON.

Chi-town bizness

2005-09-02T02:33:23Z

Life has been rather insane lately, so I had to get away.
I've been in Chicago for 5 days now, settling in and getting into the groove of my Pediatric Neurology rotation at the Children's Hospital just off the U of Chicago campus. So far I've managed to transition into a somewhat normal mode here with minimal trauma along the way. The most contentious event so far occurred 30 minutes into the drive from Little Rock, when my iPod decided to commit seppuku. So after another 75 minutes of cursing incessantly, I was able to procure some CDs from the West Memphis Wal Mart, where the music selection is just... top... NOTCH. The fact that I now own a walmart-edited Kanye West cd makes me feel dirty all over.

I managed to find a sublet a little over a mile from the hospital, in a relatively safe area. Mostly furnished, although the kitchen's a little lacking, and I grossly overestimated the undergrads that live here by not bringing an ironing board. When did I ever iron anything in college? The roommate's nice, albeit a little talkative. Yes, that's right. This is ME calling someone talkative. Be afraid.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the prospects of public transportation and some good old-fashioned walking, especially with gas prices being ridiculous at the moment. I found an express bus that takes me to Michigan Ave, and I finally met up with my sister for a drink near Navy Pier last night after her show. It's actually quite refreshing to wake up and take a nice brisk walk to work in the morning (with a sidequest to the nearby Starbucks if I have time). I haven't had time to work out until tonight, but when I come home in the evening, I feel like I've had an extensive workout just from all the walking around town. Luckily, the weather has been absolutely fantastic since I arrived, with highs usually around 82 or so.

As for the hospital work, the first few days have been pretty hectic. Until today the team was just myself, a third year resident, the attending, and a rather busy service, so I've been going in at 7 and coming home at 6. The attending is one of the foremost experts in the world on neurofibromatosis, so I'm getting good exposure to excellent faculty. He also looks like a less husky John Candy, god bless him. Even better, he's vocally expressed his confidence in my capabilities, which is both exhilirating to hear and terrifying, because when the resident goes to clinic, that means I get the floor pager and I get the calls. I can handle consults just fine, but if I get a call about a patient that's actively seizing and turning blue, I will probably end up doing the exact same thing.

It's strange working in the new place sometimes. Arkansas Children's Hospital is a free-standing center, with most services in-house, good computer systems, good staff interaction and a general sense of comraderie amongst most everyone working there. Comer Children's Hospital is part of an extensive network of hospitals associated with U of Chicago, and as a result things sometimes take a little more to get done, and you get lost a lot trying to find an office or lecture hall. The computer systems are terrible, which actually doesn't even matter that much to me, because I have no access whatsoever as a visiting student. It's still a good hospital, with a big neonatal ICU, some excellent staff, and friendly residents. But I never would have noticed some of the little things that I take for granted at ACH if I hadn't been here.

Oh yeah, that reminds me. If you're pregnant, don't do drugs. Because then your baby will end up on my service and I will not know what to do with it. And I will not like you. That is all.

If anyone has read this far, congratulations, you win the prize. And the prize is informing me of some new music I should download to fill up my replacement iPod when it arrives in the next couple of days. Hope you're all doing well!

Life is...

2005-08-06T09:08:09Z

Amazingly enough, things have been great.
I mean it, really great.

I should be terrified right now. I have so much on my plate right now. I have a week and a half more to prepare for the Step 2 CK exam, and I've had no time to study lately. I need to create a personal statement and organize everything for my residency applications. I need to get new insurance. I have to find a place to stay in Chicago. I have to give a presentation on neonatal HSV (herpes simplex virus) infections on Monday.

And yet, despite all this... I'm content. I'm happy.
I haven't felt like this in quite some time. And I have no idea why it should hit me now, when I should be at my most frenetic and panicked.

I think part of it's that I've begun to feel like I've made the right choices. I'm working out 4-5 times a week and have lost at least 12 pounds since starting. I've been taking my meds. I'm loving my current rotation on Pediatric Infectious Diseases. Sure, it keeps me busy as hell, but I'm learning so much, and it's what I WANT out of a rotation. I'm being treated like a team member, not a scut-worker. It just, feels, RIGHT. I only hope it stays that way.

Ben's engaged. I'm incredibly happy for him and Shelly. I should be more jealous. Well, I am jealous, honestly. I'm lonely and want a meaningful relationship. But I'm also aware that I don't plan to stay here and that I'll surely find other pastures when I land a residency. Even so, I got a phone number tonight, which doesn't mean much, but it makes me feel like I have something to work on. Projects are always good for distraction. Or just good for dating practice, if nothing else. God knows I need some practice.

I spent the afternoon compiling all the shows I might be able to see in Chicago. I really hope I have some free time. I haven't been to a concert in ages, and I'll have some real opportunities in Chi-town. As music is such an essential piece of my soul, I think I owe it to myself to hit at least a couple of shows during my rotation, if only to preserve my sanity for a tad longer.

That is all.
How are you?

26.

2005-07-10T06:30:23Z

Another year, another candle. Yee-haw.
Dinner with the paternal unit tonight. Swordfish on a bed of tomato, onion, and raisin agrodulce(sp). Yum. I've really gotten into eating fish lately, as long as it's done right. I figure I can have a steak anytime at home if I want, so these days when I go out, I order a lot of fish because it's relatively new for me. And now Dad's really gotten in touch with his inner chef over the last couple of years, and I love it. Our relationship had faltered when I was in Houston and he was with Linda #1, partly because of his new wife and partly because of lack of contact. So it's nice to have something new I can share with him, because I love to cook, even though I don't get the chance too often.

I'm so glad to be a senior. This year's going to be fantastic. I've got some serious work to do over the next few months, but now it's all about focusing on my own interests. Step 2 exams will be in August, and I'm studying hard for them - the better I do, the better chance I have of escaping. Hopefully I'll be in Chicago in September working in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at the Children's Hospital. And with luck I'll be in Cincinnati in October with Infectious Disease or Hematology/Oncology. Both have excellent pediatrics programs, and if I do well on Step 2 and bust my ass on the away rotations, I'll seriously improve my chances of getting in their programs.

I'm down to 235. So far to go, but I'm motivated. I've worked twice a week with a personal trainer for the last month, and he's been teaching me resistance training. While the results aren't stunning or anything, I have at least noticed a slight change in body habitus. I've been stuck at this weight for a while, but I think I've actually lost more fat than the scale says because I've replaced some with muscle. The ultimate goal is 180 or so, but that's a very very very long way away, so I'm just going to focus on getting below 230 for now, and then 225, 220, and so on and so forth... baby steps, people. It took me years to build up this huggable teddy bear cushion, so it won't exactly take days to lose it. But I'd love to be able to show up to the Rice 5-year reunion with a slightly slimmer frame. Actually, it probably wouldn't matter anyway, since no one from Rice would recognize me without a hat and a cigarette. Half of 'em didn't even know my first name was Michael either. They just thought "Bish" was a Czechoslovakian name or something. Eh, I'll just stick to the workout program and hope it works, and see if anyone notices then, hehe.

Ramon, if you're still here, I'd love to catch you before you desert us. You and Bob and I should get together sometime and wax nostalgic. Or just shoot the sh*t, if you prefer.

Hope you're all doing well, drop me a line and tell me what's happening in your lovely lovely lives... be good!

doctorbish @ 2005-05-13T20:31:00

2005-05-14T01:54:57Z

One more rotation in the books... OB/Gyn's done. Only six weeks of psychiatry left before I'm a senior. I can't tell you how simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying that is. I still feel quite unprepared for the eventual ascendence to internship. Psyc should be a relatively easy rotation to end the year, which affords me some spare time to kickstart studies for Step 2, and I'll need to exploit that opportunity to its fullest to re-acquaint myself with all of the knowledge that I've learned and un-learned over the past 3 years.

Roman tagged me, so I guess it's my turn to put in this meme... lemme see:

01. TOTAL NUMBER OF FILMS I OWN ON DVD/VHS...
36 DVDs total; however, this includes the full Family Guy series of 7 dvds and a 3 dvd Cowboy Bebop set. My roommate owns quite a large number of popular movies, so a significant portion of my own collection consists of the darker, more esoteric films he'd never buy himself, and a few anime titles.

02. THE LAST FILM I BOUGHT...
Bought True Romance, Mulholland Drive, and Snatch all in one swoop.

03. THE LAST FILM I WATCHED...
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was okay, but my personal recommendation to all of you is to rent it.

04. FIVE FILMS THAT I WATCH ALOT...
Tombstone, The Shawshank Redemption, Zoolander, L.A. Confidential, The Silence of the Lambs

05. TAG FIVE PEOPLE AND HAVE THEM PUT THIS IN THEIR JOURNAL...
junior37, ddwc, egray, shandril19, ldyjunglst

doctorbish @ 2005-05-04T21:02:00

2005-05-05T02:15:08Z

Bought a few CDs in the last couple of days:
Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth
Bright Eyes - Digital Ash In a Digital Urn
Ben Folds - Songs for Silverman
Garbage - Bleed Like Me
Beck - Guero
Les Savy Fav - Inches

The new NIN is... well, so far it's not bad, but it's nowhere near The Downward Spiral. Of course, it's difficult to compare albums when each is so uniquely stylized. I suppose I'll have to hear it all the way through before I can make a judgment. The only other album I've opened is the new Garbage cd. I've never been a huge fan of theirs, and this CD won't change that, but I love their production. It's always top-notch. Having Butch Vig in your band is a good way to ensure that a good rock song sounds great, regardless of the content.

So, what are you listening to?

Where are all the babies?

2005-04-29T01:33:01Z

2 deliveries in 4 days.
I'm sorely disappointed in Arkansan slatterns.
Wasn't anyone having sex here last July/August? Is it just too hot here to get it on in the summer?
Sheesh.
I was really hoping to do a delivery myself, but we just haven't had anyone to work with. I guess I shouldn't complain that I have a light work load, but sitting in a cubicle for 12 hours with absolutely nothing to do starts to grate on the nerves after a while. I can only check my email so many times.
C'mon, people, procreate! ;p

Random one-liner thought in my head

2005-04-24T17:12:46Z

I think Amanda said it best when she told me, "You're not an alcoholic, Bish, you're just a drunk."

:)

I feel dirty.

2005-04-21T02:40:36Z

Well, I've pretty much just ensured that I will never run for public office.

Skit Dance is this Friday. Since most of you are unfamiliar with this event: Skit Dance is a yearly gathering of all the med school classes to kick back and drink heavily. Each class makes a video of skits - the point has become to be as raunchy and disgusting as possible, and to rank out the other classes. It's only slightly short of porn. I was asked to perform a skit at the last minute. Props included a full body cast, feathers, rope, candle wax, a drill, and a blow-up doll that eerily resembles Burt Reynolds. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. Thank god we never got around to using the peanut butter. The skit could either be hilarious or atrocious, depending on the editing. I suspect I'll have had a few drinks by the time it shows on Friday, so I doubt I'll care too much, but I would hope things would turn out well. And I really hope we can turn the body cast into a pinata for afterwards :)

OB/Gyn is the current rotation. I don't dislike it, but I'm completely indifferent to this field of medicine. The prospect of delivering babies next week might affect my point of view toward a more favorable standpoint, however. I really enjoyed the nursery on Peds and being in the room for the newborn Apgars and exam, so I'm hoping I'll get a kick out of the other side of the curtain as well.

I don't have anything witty or eloquent to say these days. Sorry. I'll say something smrt next time.

Awwwwwwwwwwwkwaaaaaaaaard.

2005-03-11T06:24:46Z

Just for future reference...
any mention of Toby Keith while on a date with me will most likely prevent us automatically from having a second outing.
*sigh*
Blind date. Nice girl, but not compatible at all.
I need to find a nerd that I can talk about books and music with.
And be a sarcastic goofball around without feeling petulant and immature.

I need to escape this fucking state, that's what I really need.

Onward and upward

2005-02-13T08:46:54Z

Hi.
Been a while.
Not that you've missed too much.
I had a smashing holiday in Philadelphia and Boston, and I must duly thank Wynree Denee Banner for her hospitality and her comfy futon. Concurrently, I must apologize for my super snorin' apnea. A sleep study and an ENT evaluation may assist with that, I hope, but we'll have to see.
Anyway.
Onward and upward, as the subject states.

I had a crush on a girl. Gave up on it, don't think there's enough connection to flesh it out. Shrug.
Now I've got a crush on another one. Met her a while back, passed over her, and suddenly she reappears and is toying with my mind more aggressively. So perhaps I'll give her a second look. No harm in exploring my options, I suppose :)

There's a slight chance I'll be on CBS on the 20th, on the Sunday Morning show. You should all watch, just in case.
During my geriatrics rotation I worked with Dr. David Lipschitz, who's a big name in the specialty, and he was part of a report on the extension of active years in the elderly, and I was present when he examined a patient on camera.
Unfortunately, Dr. Lipschitz has a poor short-term memory for patient's names, and he called me Seth during the interiew. Should I even make it onto TV at all, I'll just have to hope that part gets cut.
Ah well. Onward and upward.

I'm currently on neurosurgery at the Children's Hospital, and it's CAKE. Basically, I go in 3 days a week right now, because there's 3 students to split the surgeries. I now find it hard to believe that I spent so many years ingrained with the utter certainty that I would be a neurosurgeon. Having been there now, I can say it's unfathomable. I couldn't commit to the stress that these guys put themselves under. Furthermore, I don't have the mentality. There are some egos floating around this crew that would make George W. Bush blush. I have my own ego, to be sure, I no longer deny that, but it's nothing like theirs.

I'm finally learning to appreciate Bright Eyes. As a singer, I still have issues with Conor Oberst's wavering voice that bares its recent graduation from pubescence almost like a badge of honor. But again, that's my own ego getting in the way. I'm growing to respect that a youthful soul can possess so much maturity and lyricism.

At the same time, I'm giving in to my guilty pleasures. I've decided that it's okay to like a little pop here and there. Yes, it's unoriginal shit music and it's been rehashed again and again to please the masses that don't know that creative outlets exist that far outweigh the half-life of bands like Linkin Park and Evanescence. But I've spent too long feeling like I should listen only to what's cutting edge and avant-garde not because I enjoy it, but because it sets me apart. Mind you, that's not how I feel about independent music outlets, before you get the wrong idea. I listen to all sorts of things because I appreciate creativity and refreshing sounds that aren't cookie cutter radio material. But I was also in an a capella group and I did a bunch of musicals, for god's sake. You can't get more poppy than that. So yes, I'll guiltily enjoy the occasional pop-punk song without feeling too shameful about it. Bite me if it bothers you.

Anyone want turntables? I'm selling 'em cheap. God knows they're fun to play with, but I just don't have the time or money to justify my ownership. Please buy them and give them a good home where they won't be neglected.

Oh, by the way (has anyone actually read this far?), I'm looking for good suggestions of literature to read. I'm very poorly versed in good books these days, and I want to know what you've been reading. New or old, it doesn't matter to me. Make some recommendations for me, please.

'K, guess that's enough to account for my extended absence.
Be back in another two months, I suppose ;)
Have fun out there.

I am sick of this.

2004-12-27T05:54:00Z

From local channel KTHV's website:
"National Renown Surgeon Jonathan Webb Dies at 45

Little Rock - The death of nationally renowned surgeon Jonathan Drummond-Webb has shocked his family, friends and colleagues. He was well-respected for his work with young adults suffering from heart conditions. Sadly, Arkansas Children's Hospital officials say the doctor took his own life early Sunday morning, apparently overdosing on medication.

For most the reaction Sunday is shock after news of Dr. Drummond-Webb's death. The doctor, by most signs seemed to be at the top of the world especially in his profession, but apparently that just wasn't the case.

Colleagues of Doctor Jonathan Drummond-Webb held a press conference at Arkansas' Children's Hospital early Sunday.

Dr. Drummond, who was the subject of a 2002 ABC mini-series, had a national reputation for excellence, but in the early hours Sunday morning the doctor's wife found him in their study, dead from an apparent overdose on medications, leaving just a suicide note.

The doctor was also the key player in the successful implant of the first miniaturized child heart pump in Arkansas in October, he operated on several child patients including one of his colleague's own son.

In the meantime, officials say they'll be no disruption for the doctors current patients still everyone is truly sad for the loss."

This strikes me to the core.
Dr. Drummond-Webb was a phenomenal surgeon. I don't think anyone saw this coming.
Two weeks ago, I was assisting with the care of the kid who received that miniature child heart pump after he got his heart transplant and was recovering for his discharge. I had a couple of quick conversations with Drummond-Webb at the time. I sure as hell didn't see any signs. Neither did anyone else, I suppose.

God damn it.
This simply is NOT supposed to happen. Period.
This guy extended the lives of so many children who never would have known life beyond the doors of the hospital. I can't help but think of how many more may now succumb without his skills. Sure, other surgeons will take on the cases, but I believe that few had the precision and focus that Drummond-Webb carried that enabled him to stand out in the field.

This is the second doctor I've known that's committed suicide this year.
Not to mention the medical student from the class ahead of me that killed his neurosurgeon wife before taking his own life.
Right now, I am VERY sick of brilliant people performing such blatant acts of stupidity.

doctorbish @ 2004-11-28T18:49:00

2004-11-29T02:51:10Z

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/moresexthanme.html

Does anybody else get that feeling?

Dammit, now it's stuck in my head. Stupid bunnies.

Halloween costume

2004-10-29T19:34:09Z

Floppy hat - check.
Hawaiian shirt - check.
Aviator sunglasses - check.
Cigarette holder - check.
Fly swatter - check.
Suitcase full of drugs and a wasted Benicio del Toro - mmm, think I'll have to do without.

Oh yes.
This is bat country.

Awkward moment.

2004-10-19T22:07:20Z

I just ran into my former stepbrother at the convenience store.
While I'm not a harbinger of great contempt for him, I've been dreading the possibility of such a meeting since I learned he had moved into town.
To explain: D is the son of my first stepmother, whom I hold partially responsible for the events surrounding her decline and suicide. A lot of money was disappearing at the time, and while I can't prove it with documentation, we're fairly sure that a great deal of that money was being lifted by my stepmother to cover D's debts. Bad checks. Missed payments. Drugs were a theory as well, but gambling may be a more likely reason. One night he showed up at my dad's house with broken ribs, but never explained how he was injured. This had been going on for quite a while. Problems already existed between my dad and stepmother, and when the money situation arose, my dad had had enough. Stepmom never made it through the divorce; she committed suicide instead. After that, D was pretty much persona non grata in the family. We've taken in his sister as our own, but even she holds him responsible for a great deal of that tragedy and wants nothing to do with him. It's sad, really. He's very intelligent and has a capable, charming personality. But he never motivated himself to accomplish anything. At the end he and I had an okay relationship, and his mother and I had finally gotten on the same page as far as our own personal differences, so I don't hold a great disdain for him. I just wish he could deal with his problems and make up for his mistakes.

Fortunately, the meeting was mercifully short. Superficial question about health, superficial answer. Inquiry about current employment, inquiry about med school. Nice to see you, good luck. The end. I really do hope he addresses his personal issues, because he has the capability to be a good person. I just wish he wouldn't do it in the vicinity of the people he hurt.

I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine.

2004-10-13T04:08:24Z

Firstly, thank you Dak and Julie for your comments on the last blog. Good to have alternate perspectives from an outside POV to remind me of the common sense I often lack. I have pretty much made the decision that I can still go to shows for my own entertainment (because the music has always been my foremost purpose in these ventures), and I can socialize on those occasions, but when the show's over, I'm going home to bed. While it's presumptive of me (and perhaps even condescending) to expect to find myself in a similar situation with all of those people, intuition tells me that my pre-emptive judgment of them is not unfounded, and that it's the correct choice for me. And it'll save me the trouble of discouraging myself when they reveal their ugly sides.

I'm going to Philly and Boston over the Xmas/NYE holiday. Lauren's musical "Scrooge" will be in P-deli for a couple of weeks, and mom has secured us free flights thanks to SkyMiles. I'm catching a train over to Beantown on the 31st to hang with my lil' sister Lynlee, who's not even my sister but might as well be considering I have at least 3 older sisters that I'm not blood related to either. There will be dancing, drinks, double entendres, single entendres, flat-out undisguised come-ons, impromptu musicals (Would you light my candle?), Reel Big Fish flashbacks that we'll soberly regret the morning after, and resolutions to finally try the lentil stew and to stop stalking Colin Farrell. Wait, that's Lynlee's resolution, not mine.

Oh yeah, and even though it'll be cold as hell, we have to find grass to frolic in while barefooted. I promised.

I'm awaiting my new iPod. Got a 20gb one on eBay for $270, free shipping, probably saved myself $50 off retail price and taxes. I'm such a sucker for new toys. My roommate will buy the 10gb one from me. He's frustrated with his little 64mb player that holds 10 songs.

I have a test tomorrow, and I don't think I'm that prepared, but for some reason I'm not very concerned. Indifference would be frightening if I weren't indifferent to it.

Hmm.

2004-10-02T11:18:18Z

Guess it has been a while.

Recently I've wandered into a sort of nexus of circumstances where the past has manifested itself in the sheep's wool of the present in an attempt to draw me back to... umm... let's say, ambivalent times of my life. And I'm torn between an infatuation with persons lost, who wear the masks of new acquaintances, and a hope that I'd been able to leave those faces across the rift as I walked away.

I hadn't been to a show in quite some time. School hasn't left me a lot of opportunities to expand my horizons to the electronic music community here, and truth be told, I haven't been too bereft about being away from it anyway. The scene here is pretty notoriously dirty with drugs. And over the last couple of years, I haven't felt incredibly comfortable in that area, as I'm not doing them myself anymore and have concerns about those who do use them. Well, tonight, I went to see AK1200 spin at Juanita's. Wasn't really planned, I just found out a friend was going and decided it might be fun. And it was. I had a great time. The vibe was fantastic, AK actually spun a good set with some hard, heavy breaks that pleasantly surprised me. It made me realize just how much I've missed that aspect of my life.

Where I began to be uncomfortable was after the show. I ended up at an acquaintance's house with several girls, at least one of whom I was quite taken with. All was well and good, I was enjoying the company and the smug satisfaction that I'd weaseled my way into a house full of possibilities.

I had noted a small mirror on the coffee table, sitting next to the ashtray, with a hollow inkpen shaft lying conspicuously nearby.

And then, of course, the crystal came out, and filed itself into lines on the shiny mirror surface.
And the ladies partook.
Now, what bothered me about this was not a resignation of my faith in these new faces, nor a pity for their indulgence in what will ultimately be (if it isn't already) a self-destructive activity.

What bothered... no, frightened me... is that I wanted one too.

Call me a hypocrite. Please. I've already heard it from some of you before. And you'd be right to say so. I preached the evils of cocaine to you while I dared to bump meth in the parking lot because I was bored... and I deserved to be called out on that. Fair play. So what now? We're two and a half years down the road, I'm doing my best to be the good student, make my grades, become a good doctor (because isn't everything I've strived for supposed to drive me toward that accomplishment?). And once again I'm drawn in by a simple little line. It should be so easy to move away. And yet, there it is, and I'm fixated on this singular slit of powder.

Is it wanting the drug or wanting the acceptance?

I think it's the latter, but the certainty of that statement is wavering. The past couple of weeks have reopened my perspective to the possibility of friendship outside this juggernaut of medical school... and yet, here is a line that stands between us. A line that divides me from what might be genuine people because I can't cross it without comprimising my conscience. Why should I want that?

Christ, it should be easier than this by now.

...Scary.

2004-08-13T02:52:14Z

Mmm... Mondro snugglin'.

I beat up an old lady and snitched on someone today.

2004-08-07T23:14:25Z

I bumped the car ahead of me in traffic at a light this afternoon.
Looked down for something, thought I saw movement, touched the accelerator... bam.
It's like this was set up for hidden camera or something.
There's an octagenarian in the passenger seat who just recently had hip surgery.
And she, um, feels dizzy. Hopefully that's all.
The lady driving? Yeah, she works with insurance. Great.
Damage is fortunately minimal. None to mine, and the only to hers is a slight imprint in her bumper paint of my front license plate holder.
I can't find either my current insurance card or my current registration. She understands. I hope.
Regardless of the lack of damage, I'm sure insurance will be hearing from her. At least I'm 25 now and wouldn't have to deal with even higher rates.

I'm currently struggling with the question of how much leverage to give someone who's all too aware of their latest stumble on the recovery path. Sometimes care demands a betrayal of trust, at the risk of losing faith in even the closest of relationships. Regardless of any altruistic nature of the act, it leaves me feeling vaguely empty and apprehensive. I'm sorry, love, but I had to let someone know. Forgive me when you know it was right.

Let's do some random stuff that everyone else is doing lately.

2004-07-23T01:42:17Z

Country? Dunno about that. But I bet Lynlee plays drums like Animal from the Muppet Show, and anyone who listens to as much eclectic music as Graham can probably do some interesting shit on the strings. And Ang can give us a lovely retro feel with some 80's style keyboard efx... and I'll, um, bang on a xylophone because that's all that's left, I guess. Should make for an interesting country album. With Steve Albini producing, of course.

Aww, Tom loves me. Not as much as I love Dakota, apparently, but there's always room for one more ;p

You're goddamn right there's a line. But I think they got the address wrong and they're all on the wrong street.

Can anyone else envision Julie with a blond afro? Sessy.

Why do I keep falling in love with Dakota? Something about that deadpan just stirs my loins, I guess. Oh well, at least I get it on with Lynlee. I bet ze Germanz taught her some tricks ;p

233!

2004-07-15T00:27:33Z

Woohoo!
I am so smart!
S-M-R-T!

USMLE Step 1 - passed.
Thank god.
I was scared to death of that test, and it's a huge relief to know I passed... did relatively well, actually, as long as the national average maintains around 215 as it has for the last few years.

Coming out of the exam on the 23rd, I had no clue how I'd done. 2/3rds of my test came down to making an educated guess between two possible choices, and I really felt like it could have gone either way. I do have a history of doing well on national standardized exams, so I had that going for me, but I've never before felt so ambiguous as I handed in my papers and walked out. So it's comforting to know that I can still work out a few answers when I really need to.

Our class on a whole is doing pretty well, actually. Out of 60 or 70 scores that have come in so far (around half the class), only 3 people have failed. 95% pass rate on the first try, that's above the national average, if the trend continues. Not only that, but 8-10 people have already made scores of 250 or more, which is absolutely fantastic. It'll really make us look good compared to the class ahead of us, who screwed up royally and got a 79% pass rate and caused us to have pop quizzes. UAMS will, of course, use our scores to prop themselves up and claim that the curriculum changes have improved the quality of education at our institution. Personally, I think it's just because our class is a very intelligent and driven bunch, and when the scores start to fall for later classes in the next few years, they'll realize it was our doing, and not the school. Which will make all of us in the good ol' Class of 2006 look even better, hehe.

Surgery's great. Long hours, but I'm actually finding it pretty interesting. Takes a lot to keep up, though; I've got 5 textbook chapters to read and about 8 disorders to research this weekend already. I'm really trying to stay focused and be a gunner right now. It's unfamiliar territory for me, as I've been pretty slack for most of the last 7 years or so, but I find it refreshing to be genuinely curious about learning material and hands-on activity again. I was worried that I might have permanently lost my drive sometime in the past few years. But you can't get up at 4 am everyday without retaining SOME sort of determination, now can you? ;p

Dinner!
Sleep!
Inguinal hernia repair!
G'nite!

Assimilated into the system.

2004-07-09T01:37:37Z

Hi folks.

Rotations started Tuesday, and I'm with the General Surgery group at Veteran's Hospital for the next four weeks. Basically, that means that I get up at 3:45, get to the hospital at 5, and get home somewhere around 7. Doesn't leave a lot of time to be social and update journals and what not. But I figure I can at least let you know that I'm alive and doing interesting things. Well, that is, if you find hernia repair interesting. Actually, I'm scrubbing in on a total colectomy and iliectomy tomorrow morning, which is gonna be complicated as hell but impressive to watch. Oh yeah - translation: entire colon and big portion of small intestine are going bye-bye for this guy. Amazing how you can actually live without those, although I imagine it's going to have serious ramifications on his diet, amongst other things. Anyway, I got craploads of reading to do, so I'm off. Have fun with wherever the world is taking you. And be glad you'll never have to stick your finger up a stranger's butt ;p

This is hopeless.

2004-06-20T18:10:23Z

Studying pharmacology is the epitome of futility.
I've been going over Kaplan questions all morning.
Half of the questions I know.
The other half involve either rare side effects of drugs that we never discussed in class...
...or drugs I've never heard of in the first place.
Great.
I hope the citizens of Texarkana realize this before they call me again (see three updates ago).

...guess I have more ego than I thought.

2004-06-14T19:11:21Z

How to make a doctorbish

Ingredients:

5 parts intelligence

5 parts courage

5 parts ego

Method:
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add lustfulness to taste! Do not overindulge!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

What The Hell Happened Last Night?
LJ Username
What did you drink?
You wake up in the morning next to:	beataddict
...who is wearing:	a Strongbad costume
...and rolls over to you to say:	Wanna do that thing with the broccolli again?
...and then:	takes the day off work to stay in bed with you

This Quiz by joneccleston - Taken 2415 Times. </a>

Your LJ Friends Band
LJ Username
The Drummer	junior37
Lead Guitar	blackark
Keyboard	ldyjunglst
You	Play the Xylophone
Genre	Country
Hit Song	"Just Shut Up"

This QuickKwiz by angiepenguin - Taken 889 Times. </a>

LJ friends
LJ Username
Most compatible with you:	madcarrots
You love:	ddwc
LJ friend that secretly loves you:	madcarrots
Partner in crime:	zenandjuice
Best friend:	blackark
Can this all be true?!	TRUE

This quiz by jewl44 - Taken 920 Times. </a>

Are You Good In Bed?
Full Name
Age
Are You Good In Bed?	There's a line 'round the block for you

This QuickKwiz by KimmyAlberts - Taken 85392 Times. </a>

Create an Anime Show
LJ Username
Genre
Channel it appears on
Spiky Haired Antagonist	madcarrots
American with a blond afro	julielyn79
Mysterious Alien	junior37
Defenseless Whiney Love Interest	julielyn79
Amount of Money this would make	$1,553,392,132,328,257,200.00
Number of weekly viewers	368163830

This cool quiz by Havoc - Taken 138 Times. </a>

Your LiveJournal Love Life
LJ Username
You are lusted after by:	ddwc
You will be seen naked by:	carrieatomic
You will have casual sex with:	junior37
You will be loved by:	madcarrots
You will fall in love with:	ddwc
You will end up with:	zenandjuice

This fun quiz by butterkitty - Taken 56580 Times. </a>